I've got a love song in my heart.
Pretty sure I know how it goes, just forgot the start.
Got a love song down deep in my soul.
The words spill out, but on my tongue they are so cold.
I know a love song by heart and it's beginning to shine in this dark.
O God help me begin- show me how to search deep within.
From the places others can't see, I cry out to you El Roi.
Out of my gratitude, I praise you El Channun.
A breath that I can't contain, blesses your name El Hashamayim.
And Lord heal me, Jehovah Raphe, I long to love you so.
Jesus my saviour free my soul.
Father, Immanuel and My Counselor- You are my all in all , a Holy Conqueror.
My song is my life and you are my Lord. I sing out with joyful noise and praise your Word.
The delights of my heart fulfilled, you made me for your glory and within me instilled- your likeness
and love, every day I must find who you are and know you are enough.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Where do I go from here?
Hello friends.
I have been here and there and mostly everywhere. I have not been exercising. I have cussed a lot ( especially over the weekend ) and today I actually got out of bed at 7 ( not so good when you have to be at work by 8).. It's a little silly ya know.?! I say I want to accomplish things, I say that with God I can. What am I learning from these failed experiences? This. We are human. We will fail. It does not mean that we can't keep trying. I will keep trying, I will keep praying about it and know that God is working. I still feel like He is being very quiet, very still. I on the other hand am the exact opposite. I can't stop scouring the internet for new jobs, for mission trips to go on. I can't stop thinking and at times feel unable to start just living. I went home yesterday and told John all my worries.. He listened, he gave me his opinions, he said I need to change my attitude. I feel sometimes that my attitude changes me .. and it does. I allow negative, useless thoughts to overtake me and essentially drown out the quiet, firm, unchanging voice of God. He is there always reassuring me that there is a plan I know nothing about, yet... but I am not going to mess this up.. I may stumble.. and believe me I do.. but I am going to learn patience by all means. That is what John is convinced God is trying to teach me through this experience. I told John that I have never been patient in my life and that I am tired of waiting to learn how to be patient. He laughed. I about cried. It's like there is an internal clock inside of my gut, right below my heart, ticking and tocking, ticking and tocking and as I try and quiet it.. it grows louder. A reminder that I am still not sure what to do and time just keeps on passing me by. But God has a reason for patience, for stillness, for calm. I wasn't sure what it was but the bible was a great clarifier...
Col. 3:12
12Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
Gal. 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
1 Col. 1:10-12
10And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, 11being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully 12giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you[a] to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.
Ok ok.. I could go on.. literally forever .. about how God wants us to be patient.. he requires it.. maybe I'm wrong though. Could it be that patience is a gift. Is it a gift that comes as fruit beared, as a sign that we are right with Him? That we are fruitful? That we understand, trust, and are continuing in our Lord by faith?
Yes. I think it is a confidence. A trust that even though you are in turbulent waters your GOD will calm them. or maybe He won't... maybe He will just calm you (which He has countless times) But either way, He is using you. I can always be confident that my life is worthy to Him. If it doesn't work out the way I plan, if I don't live in the place I feel I can thrive.. I CAN trust that if I am submitting myself to Jesus.. then He will use me.
Patience is Peace God gives as we wait to see where He will bring us. Patience is the Grace God extends when we try to make decisions on our own and then realize we don't even know what we are doing. Patience is the Faith we choose as we hold on to what His word says and what His spirit is doing and what we know is true. Patience is here, Patience is now.. waiting for us to clothe ourselves within it's softness, it's harmony, it's magnificent truth -bearing, character building, trust and faith testing.. gentle, loving arms.
The Message translation of 1 Peter 1:3-11 is an excellent capturing of the essence of what it means to have patience, not to own it or possess it, but to trust it, to bear it, to regard it and to respect it. Patience is something in today's world that is far out of reach for some, but for those of us who know Jesus.. it is right in front of us waiting for our overdue embrace...
3-4 Everything that goes into a life of pleasing God has been miraculously given to us by getting to know, personally and intimately, the One who invited us to God. The best invitation we ever received! We were also given absolutely terrific promises to pass on to you—your tickets to participation in the life of God after you turned your back on a world corrupted by lust.
5-9 So don't lose a minute in building on what you've been given, complementing your basic faith with good character, spiritual understanding, alert discipline, passionate patience, reverent wonder, warm friendliness, and generous love, each dimension fitting into and developing the others. With these qualities active and growing in your lives, no grass will grow under your feet, no day will pass without its reward as you mature in your experience of our Master Jesus. Without these qualities you can't see what's right before you, oblivious that your old sinful life has been wiped off the books.
10-11 So, friends, confirm God's invitation to you, his choice of you. Don't put it off; do it now. Do this, and you'll have your life on a firm footing, the streets paved and the way wide open into the eternal kingdom of our Master and Savior, Jesus Christ.
with love and peace .. ( and patience to you all )
H
I have been here and there and mostly everywhere. I have not been exercising. I have cussed a lot ( especially over the weekend ) and today I actually got out of bed at 7 ( not so good when you have to be at work by 8).. It's a little silly ya know.?! I say I want to accomplish things, I say that with God I can. What am I learning from these failed experiences? This. We are human. We will fail. It does not mean that we can't keep trying. I will keep trying, I will keep praying about it and know that God is working. I still feel like He is being very quiet, very still. I on the other hand am the exact opposite. I can't stop scouring the internet for new jobs, for mission trips to go on. I can't stop thinking and at times feel unable to start just living. I went home yesterday and told John all my worries.. He listened, he gave me his opinions, he said I need to change my attitude. I feel sometimes that my attitude changes me .. and it does. I allow negative, useless thoughts to overtake me and essentially drown out the quiet, firm, unchanging voice of God. He is there always reassuring me that there is a plan I know nothing about, yet... but I am not going to mess this up.. I may stumble.. and believe me I do.. but I am going to learn patience by all means. That is what John is convinced God is trying to teach me through this experience. I told John that I have never been patient in my life and that I am tired of waiting to learn how to be patient. He laughed. I about cried. It's like there is an internal clock inside of my gut, right below my heart, ticking and tocking, ticking and tocking and as I try and quiet it.. it grows louder. A reminder that I am still not sure what to do and time just keeps on passing me by. But God has a reason for patience, for stillness, for calm. I wasn't sure what it was but the bible was a great clarifier...
Col. 3:12
12Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
Gal. 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
1 Col. 1:10-12
10And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, 11being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully 12giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you[a] to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.
Ok ok.. I could go on.. literally forever .. about how God wants us to be patient.. he requires it.. maybe I'm wrong though. Could it be that patience is a gift. Is it a gift that comes as fruit beared, as a sign that we are right with Him? That we are fruitful? That we understand, trust, and are continuing in our Lord by faith?
Yes. I think it is a confidence. A trust that even though you are in turbulent waters your GOD will calm them. or maybe He won't... maybe He will just calm you (which He has countless times) But either way, He is using you. I can always be confident that my life is worthy to Him. If it doesn't work out the way I plan, if I don't live in the place I feel I can thrive.. I CAN trust that if I am submitting myself to Jesus.. then He will use me.
Patience is Peace God gives as we wait to see where He will bring us. Patience is the Grace God extends when we try to make decisions on our own and then realize we don't even know what we are doing. Patience is the Faith we choose as we hold on to what His word says and what His spirit is doing and what we know is true. Patience is here, Patience is now.. waiting for us to clothe ourselves within it's softness, it's harmony, it's magnificent truth -bearing, character building, trust and faith testing.. gentle, loving arms.
The Message translation of 1 Peter 1:3-11 is an excellent capturing of the essence of what it means to have patience, not to own it or possess it, but to trust it, to bear it, to regard it and to respect it. Patience is something in today's world that is far out of reach for some, but for those of us who know Jesus.. it is right in front of us waiting for our overdue embrace...
3-4 Everything that goes into a life of pleasing God has been miraculously given to us by getting to know, personally and intimately, the One who invited us to God. The best invitation we ever received! We were also given absolutely terrific promises to pass on to you—your tickets to participation in the life of God after you turned your back on a world corrupted by lust.
5-9 So don't lose a minute in building on what you've been given, complementing your basic faith with good character, spiritual understanding, alert discipline, passionate patience, reverent wonder, warm friendliness, and generous love, each dimension fitting into and developing the others. With these qualities active and growing in your lives, no grass will grow under your feet, no day will pass without its reward as you mature in your experience of our Master Jesus. Without these qualities you can't see what's right before you, oblivious that your old sinful life has been wiped off the books.
10-11 So, friends, confirm God's invitation to you, his choice of you. Don't put it off; do it now. Do this, and you'll have your life on a firm footing, the streets paved and the way wide open into the eternal kingdom of our Master and Savior, Jesus Christ.
with love and peace .. ( and patience to you all )
H
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Days.. well the last week or so.
So it is becoming quite clear that in my search of getting new habits, somethings are easier than others. Like for instance, today I stayed in bed until absolutely the last minute which put me in rush mode.. Brush teeth, pull back hair, deodorant, clean clothes and out the door.. What about God? I didn't read His word, I didn't pray for the day ahead of me and I sure as heck didn't exercise. So now all that has to be jam-packed into the evening after I get off at 6! Cussing.. well .. did a bit of that this weekend at mom's. I hate it. I find it so easy to express how I am feeling by using those "attention grabbing" words. The bad things are easier. The sinful nature is just that.. our nature. We are called to press forward, away from the worldliness and toward our creator's perfect will. ( Romans 8:8-9 Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.
9You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you.)
So the weekend was good. We took the boys to church and had some good discussion about God. I gave them an old teen bible I had and told them to ask questions.. Boy did they. :) It was nice though to spend time with them. I did not make time for prayer all weekend. I am ashamed of this. I need to be fed. I am feeling spiritually low on fuel, but I plan to have some quiet time tonight. If John plays soccer then I will walk and pray. If he stays home I plan on locking myself in the bedroom and talking to God .. then some bible study for dinner. :) One thing is certain.. God is here. He is. I know it because though I don't hear His voice, even when I fall off track.. He sends His beautiful people into my path. I am ever so thankful for them. I have gone down this road before, the trying to be obedient, discerning the will of God in my life road.. and I fell away all too easily. In this time of solitude or stillness, God is sharpening my faith, He is creating a hunger for Him that is yet to be quenched. He has a plan ( jer. 29:11) He will not leave me, He will not forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6) and even when I have no idea where He is leading me.. I am at peace that it is not my plan but His which will only lead to better things.
Jeremiah 17..
7-8"But blessed is the man who trusts me, God,
the woman who sticks with God.
They're like trees replanted in Eden,
putting down roots near the rivers—
Never a worry through the hottest of summers,
never dropping a leaf,
Serene and calm through droughts,
bearing fresh fruit every season.
9-10"The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful,
a puzzle that no one can figure out.
But I, God, search the heart
and examine the mind.
Psalm 139 (The Message)
A David Psalm
1-6 God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.
I'm an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of your sight.
You know everything I'm going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you're there,
then up ahead and you're there, too—
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
I can't take it all in!
7-12 Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you're there!
If I go underground, you're there!
If I flew on morning's wings
to the far western horizon,
You'd find me in a minute—
you're already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I'm immersed in the light!"
It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.
13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.
17-22 Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!
God, I'll never comprehend them!
I couldn't even begin to count them—
any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!
And please, God, do away with wickedness for good!
And you murderers—out of here!—
all the men and women who belittle you, God,
infatuated with cheap god-imitations.
See how I hate those who hate you, God,
see how I loathe all this godless arrogance;
I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred.
Your enemies are my enemies!
23-24 Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong—
then guide me on the road to eternal life.
That psalm speaks to me.. I know the desperation yet peaceful love to know and honor my savior. Thank Him that we have Jesus to bear our burdens, otherwise the need for God, the want and desire to know Him and please Him would be impossible.
God, I pray that you search me. I pray that you have your way. I pray that I hear you, that I read your word, that my body and actions stay pure to reflect your work in me. Help me live everyday as a person redeemed by the blood of Christ, whom has prayed the Holy Spirit into my being and as a sister, friend, wife, mother and daughter worthy of your calling. I praise you for being you. I worship you for knowing me and loving me and for creating me for your glory. I am yours, I love you.
H
9You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you.)
So the weekend was good. We took the boys to church and had some good discussion about God. I gave them an old teen bible I had and told them to ask questions.. Boy did they. :) It was nice though to spend time with them. I did not make time for prayer all weekend. I am ashamed of this. I need to be fed. I am feeling spiritually low on fuel, but I plan to have some quiet time tonight. If John plays soccer then I will walk and pray. If he stays home I plan on locking myself in the bedroom and talking to God .. then some bible study for dinner. :) One thing is certain.. God is here. He is. I know it because though I don't hear His voice, even when I fall off track.. He sends His beautiful people into my path. I am ever so thankful for them. I have gone down this road before, the trying to be obedient, discerning the will of God in my life road.. and I fell away all too easily. In this time of solitude or stillness, God is sharpening my faith, He is creating a hunger for Him that is yet to be quenched. He has a plan ( jer. 29:11) He will not leave me, He will not forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6) and even when I have no idea where He is leading me.. I am at peace that it is not my plan but His which will only lead to better things.
Jeremiah 17..
7-8"But blessed is the man who trusts me, God,
the woman who sticks with God.
They're like trees replanted in Eden,
putting down roots near the rivers—
Never a worry through the hottest of summers,
never dropping a leaf,
Serene and calm through droughts,
bearing fresh fruit every season.
9-10"The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful,
a puzzle that no one can figure out.
But I, God, search the heart
and examine the mind.
Psalm 139 (The Message)
A David Psalm
1-6 God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.
I'm an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of your sight.
You know everything I'm going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you're there,
then up ahead and you're there, too—
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
I can't take it all in!
7-12 Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you're there!
If I go underground, you're there!
If I flew on morning's wings
to the far western horizon,
You'd find me in a minute—
you're already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I'm immersed in the light!"
It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.
13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.
17-22 Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!
God, I'll never comprehend them!
I couldn't even begin to count them—
any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!
And please, God, do away with wickedness for good!
And you murderers—out of here!—
all the men and women who belittle you, God,
infatuated with cheap god-imitations.
See how I hate those who hate you, God,
see how I loathe all this godless arrogance;
I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred.
Your enemies are my enemies!
23-24 Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong—
then guide me on the road to eternal life.
That psalm speaks to me.. I know the desperation yet peaceful love to know and honor my savior. Thank Him that we have Jesus to bear our burdens, otherwise the need for God, the want and desire to know Him and please Him would be impossible.
God, I pray that you search me. I pray that you have your way. I pray that I hear you, that I read your word, that my body and actions stay pure to reflect your work in me. Help me live everyday as a person redeemed by the blood of Christ, whom has prayed the Holy Spirit into my being and as a sister, friend, wife, mother and daughter worthy of your calling. I praise you for being you. I worship you for knowing me and loving me and for creating me for your glory. I am yours, I love you.
H
Monday, May 24, 2010
Days 4,5,6 :)
Friday was a good day. Woke up on time, the day went by with ease, spent my evening at a movie and work wasn't bad at all. Saturday I woke up with a great attitude, until I started to try on clothes. Well at first I put on a cute halter top.. thought I was lookin' hot.. make up was perfect and God said.. seriously.. you are going to go out looking like that? So when people look at you they will see what? So I agreed because I do not care for the oogling eyes of men. Unfourtunately.. nothing in my closet looked good ( or so the devil said ) and I almost had a full on breakdown. John is patiently waiting because after all we are just going to a baseball game. So after I am on the floor about to cry I just ask God to please help me find something, and that I knew HE was the only one I had to please anyway. I sat up. Grabbed a shirt and jeans and off we went. I swear- After things like that happen I feel so ignorant. I don't understand it. I asked John why he never got that upset. He said sometimes he does. His problem was similar in nature. We talked about how insane the world's standards are and how they make us feel. The God of the Cosmos loves us.. wants us to always strive to be the best we can be.. but for His glory. NOT OURS. So Saturday was good. We walked around an unfamiliar town, up hills and to the game.. not really exercise but we did eat lots of unhealthy ball park food. :( Sunday we woke up, tired from the day before, but ready to hear God! Church was amazing. I went to visit the youth ministry and really feel God tugging me that way. The thing is, I haven't spent much time with Him. On the ride to the game on Saturday for about 5 mins I dedicated myself to prayer. Not enough. The rest of the weekend was spent with lil prayers here and there. There is a lot going on in my life right now and many doors can pop open all at once. I have got to set aside time to discuss all this with God. I promise you readers that I will be honest. I can't promise that I will be perfect, or someone to model after or someone who is completely disciplined.. but I will try and share my journey with you. Sunday's message was about courage. It is scary to follow a God who leads you down paths that make no sense at times, that will tell you to tell strangers about Him, that will ask you to stop what you are doing and pray or get on your knees.. It's a little frightening. What is ever more frightening is a life where His direction is no where to be found, a roaming of the earth with no hope for a future or for meaning. It may be scary to follow such a God, but it is amazing and fulfilling and exciting and worth every single pitter patter in our chest when we see His will being done. Am I right or am I right??
So weekend was ok, but definitly not courageous or disciplined. I know that the weekend coming up will prove difficult as I will be at Mom's ( which means I can choose to be as spoiled as I want ) but I believe God would like me to resist that temptation. :)
1 Peter 1:13-19
13 So think clearly and exercise self-control. Look forward to the gracious salvation that will come to you when Jesus Christ is revealed to the world. 14 So you must live as God’s obedient children. Don’t slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires. You didn’t know any better then. 15 But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy. 16 For the Scriptures say, “You must be holy because I am holy.
17 And remember that the heavenly Father to whom you pray has no favorites. He will judge or reward you according to what you do. So you must live in reverent fear of him during your time as “foreigners in the land.” 18 For you know that God paid a ransom to save you from the empty life you inherited from your ancestors. And the ransom he paid was not mere gold or silver. 19 It was the precious blood of Christ, the sinless, spotless Lamb of God.
love H
So weekend was ok, but definitly not courageous or disciplined. I know that the weekend coming up will prove difficult as I will be at Mom's ( which means I can choose to be as spoiled as I want ) but I believe God would like me to resist that temptation. :)
1 Peter 1:13-19
13 So think clearly and exercise self-control. Look forward to the gracious salvation that will come to you when Jesus Christ is revealed to the world. 14 So you must live as God’s obedient children. Don’t slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires. You didn’t know any better then. 15 But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy. 16 For the Scriptures say, “You must be holy because I am holy.
17 And remember that the heavenly Father to whom you pray has no favorites. He will judge or reward you according to what you do. So you must live in reverent fear of him during your time as “foreigners in the land.” 18 For you know that God paid a ransom to save you from the empty life you inherited from your ancestors. And the ransom he paid was not mere gold or silver. 19 It was the precious blood of Christ, the sinless, spotless Lamb of God.
love H
Friday, May 21, 2010
Day 3
Day 3 went a little like this.. Woke up early, sat up in bed.. got scared. I mean I couldn't close my eyes to pray, I could barely get up to turn on the light. Couldn't shake the feeling so I ran. I jumped in my car, went to the park and watched the ducks for a while. I kept feeling this eerie presence around.. It could have been me.. who knows. But all I know is it was with me all day. At work, trying to concentrate, pray, read good scripture, email good friends.. guess what I did again? Ran. To my car, took a half day of sick leave, drove down Navarro, past wal-mart and kept driving for about 25 minutes. I had no idea where I was but I needed to go. KSBJ kept me company and a few tears began to form in my eyes. I get affected easily by music. The weird thing is I have been so non-emotional for the last few weeks. Nothing has made me sad, overly excited or has made me cry. I feel good after a cry though.. Like I was cleansed. :) So this song came on Hold my Heart.. oh boy.. That did it. The lyrics went like this :
How long must I pray must I pray to You
How long must I wait must I wait for You
How long 'till I see Your face
See You shining through
I'm on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees
Father will You turn to me yeah?
One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?
I've been so afraid afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why
Talk about wow!! I am just bawling and worshipping driving 50 mph down the highway.. So for some weird reason I turn down this country road in the middle of nowhere. Bright yellow flowers lined the sides as if they were beckoning my presence. I drive slowly letting my eyes wander over the green and blues and yellows until I arrive at a dead end. A red dirt road/ trail to the right and a paved road to the left. Well .. right has always favored me.. I'll go right. So I drive and drive and DRIVE.. bump, bump, scrreech .. but I barely notice because to the left and to the right, as far as the eye could see.. grassy hills, open fields home to grazing cattle. Newly born calves skipping along and butterflies lazily jumping from one flower to the next. I am a country girl. I love the simplicity and complexity of nature. God is so intricate.. I mean it's also apparent in us but I'm not so much a science/anatomy chick. But looking at flowers and how every petal is shaped the same and yet every flower is different. And trees which stand hundreds of feet tall and have branches bigger around than me and four friends.. but they were at one time only a seed. WOW. So that is what I needed. A reminder of how beautiful life is and remove the ugly images that were being forced into my imagination. I went home. Ok I lie. I went to Ross and bought a pretty tea pitcher. Then I went home, helped John cook, ate dinner with him and went to visit Julie. That was a much needed breather. Just talking. To a woman. To someone who is wise, straightforward and can see the potential in me. So that night as we were going to bed, John and I took turns reading our bibles to each other. Just random passages.. all different, but it was a great time together. As I tried to sleep, horrible images and scary thoughts kept coming into my mind. I simply repeated Jesus over and over, made John turn over and hold me and I just kept thinking good things. I didn't back down and prayed and prayed until I was at rest. I woke up today.. sat in the shower and actually closed my eyes for bout 30 seconds and know that it will continue to be easier. I trust God, I just have to get in the habit of trusting Him. :) Habits are hard to break, and sometimes even harder to start. Today will be a great day and I will rejoice in it. He has overcome all things and I have many things ahead of me to look forward too.
Love H
How long must I pray must I pray to You
How long must I wait must I wait for You
How long 'till I see Your face
See You shining through
I'm on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees
Father will You turn to me yeah?
One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?
I've been so afraid afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why
Talk about wow!! I am just bawling and worshipping driving 50 mph down the highway.. So for some weird reason I turn down this country road in the middle of nowhere. Bright yellow flowers lined the sides as if they were beckoning my presence. I drive slowly letting my eyes wander over the green and blues and yellows until I arrive at a dead end. A red dirt road/ trail to the right and a paved road to the left. Well .. right has always favored me.. I'll go right. So I drive and drive and DRIVE.. bump, bump, scrreech .. but I barely notice because to the left and to the right, as far as the eye could see.. grassy hills, open fields home to grazing cattle. Newly born calves skipping along and butterflies lazily jumping from one flower to the next. I am a country girl. I love the simplicity and complexity of nature. God is so intricate.. I mean it's also apparent in us but I'm not so much a science/anatomy chick. But looking at flowers and how every petal is shaped the same and yet every flower is different. And trees which stand hundreds of feet tall and have branches bigger around than me and four friends.. but they were at one time only a seed. WOW. So that is what I needed. A reminder of how beautiful life is and remove the ugly images that were being forced into my imagination. I went home. Ok I lie. I went to Ross and bought a pretty tea pitcher. Then I went home, helped John cook, ate dinner with him and went to visit Julie. That was a much needed breather. Just talking. To a woman. To someone who is wise, straightforward and can see the potential in me. So that night as we were going to bed, John and I took turns reading our bibles to each other. Just random passages.. all different, but it was a great time together. As I tried to sleep, horrible images and scary thoughts kept coming into my mind. I simply repeated Jesus over and over, made John turn over and hold me and I just kept thinking good things. I didn't back down and prayed and prayed until I was at rest. I woke up today.. sat in the shower and actually closed my eyes for bout 30 seconds and know that it will continue to be easier. I trust God, I just have to get in the habit of trusting Him. :) Habits are hard to break, and sometimes even harder to start. Today will be a great day and I will rejoice in it. He has overcome all things and I have many things ahead of me to look forward too.
Love H
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Day 2
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
I read this verse on another blog and thought.. Hey that's for us!! He already did it.. all we have to do is trust.. and GO. Yesterday I got home and John had pizza made.. Well of course I ate two pieces. And it was the yummy, deep dish, cheesy kind that is oh so irresistible. Then he had some ice cream and well I kind of finished it off. :( But.. then I went over to a friends and dyed her hair and then we went walking. We walked for a good hour. Mostly chatting but better than sitting and letting all that food slosh around! We discussed our pasts, talked about how friends come and go and how we both feel about God. She is a cool chik and I am glad God put her in my life. I woke up at about 10 after 6 this morning.. Stayed in the word ( in bed too) until almost 7 and decided to walk to work. I left about 7:15 arriving at work at 7:40. Felt good to walk, with the morning sun on my face and watching everyone race in their cars.. Speeding in school zones ( I am sure I have done it ) and trying to win the race.. The one where they receive a perishable wreath. Now I am not saying that all those people were doing that but it made me think.. I rush and rush through life and for what? Why? I believe it's because I get overwhelemed and think that everything has to get done.. but then I don't give myself enough time to do everything. Job pleads to God "If only you would hide me in the grave and conceal me till your anger has passed! If only you would set me a time and then remember me!" Job 14:13 God doesn't do that though.. He doesn't let us hide from life or run from time. We have to face it everyday. 24 hours. That is what we have to work with. EVERYDAY. So how will we utilize our gift of life? Today I inventoried books. All day long ( besides checking facebook and my blog ) and it's not like it was the most invigorating thing I've ever done. At times I would get the urge to tell someone how bored I was. And I did. Yes , I was negative and it hurts. I hate spending my time in negativity, but ya know.. sometimes I feel like Job.. ( even though I have never dealt with anything near his problems ) and I just wanna say.. Hey God..can you please do something? I feel like He is there, but man is He quiet. So I will continue.. and work as if I am working for Him. Because one day ( very soon I hope ) He will talk, tell me where to go, show me what to do and I will say.. I'm ready. Until then.. I am being refined. So I woke up early, I got some exercise in ( and prayer as I walked which is great!! Just watch out for the cars!! ) and I have watched my mouth all day ( kind of easy when there is no ONE to talk to) . Yesterday I slipped a few times. Once in reference to a great book and then talking about someone from my past. I should have done better but I am learing to hold it back.. little by little. The mouth of the righteous man utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks what is just. Psalm 37:30 I hope I can be that man. Well I think they are referring to mankind.. so I hope I can be that person! :) So a pretty good night, a pretty good day.. and trying harder along the way. Thanks everyone for reading and I hope you are hearing truth, being challenged yourself and that your walk with our Lord gains closeness all day long. BTW the ice cream was butter crunch.. ohhhh so good. But you didnt hear it from me. ;)
With much love
H
I read this verse on another blog and thought.. Hey that's for us!! He already did it.. all we have to do is trust.. and GO. Yesterday I got home and John had pizza made.. Well of course I ate two pieces. And it was the yummy, deep dish, cheesy kind that is oh so irresistible. Then he had some ice cream and well I kind of finished it off. :( But.. then I went over to a friends and dyed her hair and then we went walking. We walked for a good hour. Mostly chatting but better than sitting and letting all that food slosh around! We discussed our pasts, talked about how friends come and go and how we both feel about God. She is a cool chik and I am glad God put her in my life. I woke up at about 10 after 6 this morning.. Stayed in the word ( in bed too) until almost 7 and decided to walk to work. I left about 7:15 arriving at work at 7:40. Felt good to walk, with the morning sun on my face and watching everyone race in their cars.. Speeding in school zones ( I am sure I have done it ) and trying to win the race.. The one where they receive a perishable wreath. Now I am not saying that all those people were doing that but it made me think.. I rush and rush through life and for what? Why? I believe it's because I get overwhelemed and think that everything has to get done.. but then I don't give myself enough time to do everything. Job pleads to God "If only you would hide me in the grave and conceal me till your anger has passed! If only you would set me a time and then remember me!" Job 14:13 God doesn't do that though.. He doesn't let us hide from life or run from time. We have to face it everyday. 24 hours. That is what we have to work with. EVERYDAY. So how will we utilize our gift of life? Today I inventoried books. All day long ( besides checking facebook and my blog ) and it's not like it was the most invigorating thing I've ever done. At times I would get the urge to tell someone how bored I was. And I did. Yes , I was negative and it hurts. I hate spending my time in negativity, but ya know.. sometimes I feel like Job.. ( even though I have never dealt with anything near his problems ) and I just wanna say.. Hey God..can you please do something? I feel like He is there, but man is He quiet. So I will continue.. and work as if I am working for Him. Because one day ( very soon I hope ) He will talk, tell me where to go, show me what to do and I will say.. I'm ready. Until then.. I am being refined. So I woke up early, I got some exercise in ( and prayer as I walked which is great!! Just watch out for the cars!! ) and I have watched my mouth all day ( kind of easy when there is no ONE to talk to) . Yesterday I slipped a few times. Once in reference to a great book and then talking about someone from my past. I should have done better but I am learing to hold it back.. little by little. The mouth of the righteous man utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks what is just. Psalm 37:30 I hope I can be that man. Well I think they are referring to mankind.. so I hope I can be that person! :) So a pretty good night, a pretty good day.. and trying harder along the way. Thanks everyone for reading and I hope you are hearing truth, being challenged yourself and that your walk with our Lord gains closeness all day long. BTW the ice cream was butter crunch.. ohhhh so good. But you didnt hear it from me. ;)
With much love
H
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Will we do all things?
We know that Christ says we can do all things with Him. We've heard that nothing is impossible. Why is it then that we do not do them? The things we wish we could, the obstacles that continuously get in our way. How is it that we are to be winners in the race if we don't even get out and run? These are the questions I've asked myself but have never answered. Until today. I am taking God for His word, I am going to trust that He is right. I am not going on a self-realizing trip, I'm not taking a challenge or doing a dare.. I am simply doing the things I keep not doing. I am starting with 3 things that continue to beat me. One is waking up early. Since I can remember I have struggled with getting out of bed. This causes a number of problems such as: Not getting to work on time, not having time to do morning prayer or bible study, not feeling good the rest of the day because I was rushing all morning. I need to beat this vice and I can't. But I can rely on God to help me. Numero dos. Cussing or unwholesome or foul words. How many times in Proverbs does Solomon refer to the tongue and a fool .. I don't want to be a fool. I want to sound like a Godly lady, like someone who has Christ living in her. In my small group we watched a video about how the four letter word for GOD is YVHW. It's like a breath.. It's like our own breath is the echo of our creator. Now I don't know about you but what comes out of my mouth at times is SOO not about God. It should be though, and with His help.. it will be. Three.. well that one I am a little worried about. How many times have I said.. "Ugghhh I am so disgusted with how I feel in my own skin?".. or "Why do I even have a closet full of clothes that don't fit?" Exercise. We all need it. We all should experience sweat, intensity, rapid heartbeat, the benefits of healthy movement! But doesn't a love story and chocolate ice cream seem better? Doesn't reading or cooking or spending time with others seem to take up more of our time? Exercise is important.. VERY. It releases endorphines, creates awareness of our strengths and weaknesses, trains our bodies and minds, allows us to stay healthy and gives us something to do instead of being lazy or overscheduled. I have never stuck to an exercise plan but I believe God will help me. I am not just approaching this whole idea about wellness or etiquette or discipline because I want to say " look I did it.." I want God to have full Glory about what He does. I think and believe He will provide, He will enable me. I am human and I do fail... but He is our amazing, star breathing, life giving, Fathering, provider and friend. If he can't help me then who can? I may lose sight and not succeed every attempt but I truly believe God will help me gain a routine of better habits. I will share my success with you so that you may gain strength and encouragement and so that I may glorify Christ. He is worthy and He loves me. I want to be better for Him and for those in my life. Here I go. Day one. Started with waking at 5. Having coffee with my husband and reading from the bible together. He did his pushups while I read a bit more. I waited til he left ( cuz i look a little silly doing this )and I did a workout video.. Whew. Heart rate is up.. sweating a little.. knees are cramping. I didn't think I could make it but I pushed. Then shower.. actually had time to shave.. ( lucky John) and put on make up !! whoop whoop ! Then I prayed a bit about this plan I had to glorify God and off to work. Got here and already anxiety hits. Lies and insecurities creep in my ear.. Then an email from my mentor and friend !! Feeling better as the day goes on. Sometimes I get overwhelemed about what I am going to do when I get off ( like I have a lot, no kids, no demanding husband or many extra-curriculars.. ) but none the less I get stressed.. Then I think about how I wish I was somewhere else.. All the annoying thoughts come at me.. But then it's time for ladies group. What did I get out of that??? Confirmation. People need people to relate too.. I am doing this because I want to win, I want God to get glory AND I want others to know they can too!! There is so much heartache and suffering and secrets and sadness but God is a God who heals and loves and can do what we can't. I know these things I am attempting may seem small, but they have beaten me all my life. If God and I can beat them.. it will boost my confidence and send me to beat other things. I hope that if you are reading this, where ever you may be in your walk, reach out to God.. He is waiting.
2 Corinthians 3:2-6
You yourselves are our letter of recommendation, written on our hearts, to be known and read by all. 3And you show that you are a letter from Christ delivered by us, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.
4 Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. 5 Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, 6 who has made us competent to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit. For the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.
Love H
2 Corinthians 3:2-6
You yourselves are our letter of recommendation, written on our hearts, to be known and read by all. 3And you show that you are a letter from Christ delivered by us, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.
4 Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. 5 Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, 6 who has made us competent to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit. For the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.
Love H
Friday, May 14, 2010
Can we get out of our own way?
You know.. I think.. A lot. I mean I am not one of those people who have a task in front of them and focus solely upon it. I am more about oh hey.. that got my attention.. I'll think about it.. and so needless to say.. in my prayer life I am quite often distracted. I will start talking to God and begin with some thanksgiving and maybe some heavy concerns and soon enough I ( I like to imagine it's WE ) begin laughing. Crying is sometimes an attribute, but usually during prayer I will need a good hour just to make sure I have covered all the bases. I was thinking today about how sometimes my prayers actually get answered visibly and yet I forgot that I had even prayed about it. What's more insane is that once God does deliver some blessing in my life I am just so excited ( or A.D.D. ) that I just start worrying or planning or doing the next thing that catches my attention and soon I forget about the answered prayer. At some point I may even wish that it would change. Let me use work for example. God opened a door after me losing a job that was definitly not suited to me in any way. He blessed me with a temporary position which turned into a permanent job and here I am still. It is helping young and older adults through college. I started out LOVING it. Thinking.. Oh God you sure knew what you were doing!! So then of course as I grow more spiritually ( well .. let's just say I start wanting to do more for God ) I am like.. alright God .. do your work again.. get me away from all these people who are so concerned with obtaining worldly success and building their own kingdoms.. God put me closer to people that know you and love you and where I can be of use. :) Well.. when no doors are being opened ( or closed for that matter ) I start praying again.. Hey God.. so you wanna do something cuz I know you could totally use me.. I'm ready! I'm excited and filled with passion for you Jesus!! ... Nothing. So lately at work I find myself..well..thinking (rather than working ) and I began to remember that I was also praying things like.. search my heart Lord and change me to immulate Christ. Requests were being made simultaneously to help me grow and bring people into my life that will love me and counsel me and God .. ( this is a good one ) please give me patience .. and steadfastness along with obedience and discipline. LOL what was I thinking.. or was this a rare occassion when I wasn't ? Well here come the people. Amazing people.. Godly women and even my husband's wisdom starts to be shared. I start hearing everywhere I go.. Well honey, God can use you anywhere. God might be needing you to grow right where you are. We don't have the same timeline that HE does. And then my husbands words " Don't you think that it would be pleasing to God if you did your best in all that you do? Including work and being responsible. I don't mean to be harsh but maybe it's His way of saying it's time to grow up. " HAHAHA.. alright. Well when John said that I really listened.. I didn't get mad ( for long anyway ) and I started praying that God would continue His work in me. For one thing.. I am serious about becoming more like Christ and I am willing to be refined. I start meeting with a spiritual mentor, having lunch and other functions with Godly women, reading more scripture and trying to find my prayer niche. So as it occured to me last night at the "Girl's Night" .. Hey.. sometimes it takes a little while to get refined ( patience ) and maybe I just need to trust God ( steadfastness ) and continue in His word and seek Him through these people He is putting all around me ( discipline and obedience) and continue to pray for His will to be done in my life. Ahhhh ( deep breath out ) so when He orchestrated this whole job thing for me He actually did that because that was part of the plan.. ding ding ding.. and He is trying to finish the work He started in me but maybe I am getting in the way! I get so impatient that if something doesn't happen as soon as I need it too ( or before I remember why it started in the first place ) then I will just make another rash decision and the whole process takes entirely too much time. I am going to try and stay out of my own way and really listen for God. Or as Daphne's little girl says.. Stop! S is for Stop ( :) so cute ), T is for Think about what the bible says, O is for Obey and P is for Pray ( Without Ceasing). I want to hear Him. I want to obey and honor Him. I have already spent too much time away and now is the time to draw near. I am so thankful for this job. I have met many people and hope to love them just as Christ has loved me. Thank you God. Thanks for always knowing what the heck is going on.. cuz you know I am quite easily distracted!
Colossians 3:23-24 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men,knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.
Colossians 3:23-24 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men,knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Distracted
Lately at work I find myself getting very easily distracted. Well my whole life I have been one of those who finds ways to only concentrate on very interesting topics. I know, I know. And truthfully I never thought is was a problem. Especially now that when I am at work I am distrated because I want to share God, or write about Him or look up scripture.. How can that be wrong? I will be very intimate here.. Lately I have started to feel an ever present urge to find out what is going on in peoples lives and pray for them. I never would have thought about me being an intercessory pray-er ( :) ) but it seems I am, maybe. It could be that God is trying to hone my prayer skills or .. teach me something else completely. Last night when we got home from small group I decided that I needed some "attention" from John. I didn't tell him, I didn't even make any signals.. I didn't even put on something in any way flattering at all. I just wanted him to somehow read my mind and know that I wanted him to show me some love ;), ya dig? Well after he started reading, I turned over and started tapping the wall.. JOHN- " What's wrong baby?" ME- " Nothing." JOHN- " Are you sure? If you need to talk that's what I'm here for." ME- " No, I'm fine." Silence. I rolled onto my back. hmmpfh. JOHN- " Heather, what is the matter?" ME- " I said nothing".. So you get the point.. After I could see clearly that he was not a mind reader I got up out of bed and went outside and sat. I said a prayer to God to help me. I don't want to be like that. I know that he cant read my mind and I shouldn't treat him like that. God simply asked.. "WHY did you want him?".. ME- "HUH?" GOD-" You are being selfish?" ME-" By wanting to get some "attention" ?" GOD- "Yes." Then the revelation came. I have so much on my mind, so many peoples burdens, so many prayer requests, so many pains and struggles and fears and needs.. I was trying to use John as an escape. I wanted that time so that I can relieve stress. Not sure that's what that time is for! DING DING DING! You are supposed to be very present when intimate with your spouse. Not DISTRACTED, or trying to become distracted by doing so.. ahhh I was so confused. But God gave me clarity. I need to fall on my kness before HIM and give the weight of the world to HIM.. Let HIM have it. Not take it with me to bed. Not take it with me to work. Not take it anywhere other than before our LORD. I appologized to John and of course he had no idea that all that was going on because all he saw was me huffing and puffing and tapping the wall and probably thought I was just a little crazy ( well he pretty much knows that). He told me to not worry and that we all are selfish from time to time and to try and recognize it. And it is more than that. God has been working in me to be more selfless to people all around. Putting them before myself. It's hard when we live in such a world that tell us to put ourselves first, yet our Father tells us to do just the opposite! In a book I'm reading the authors says " Chrisitians who let their weaknesses and inadequacies hold them back are just as self-focused as are believers who use their strength to build self-glorifying kingdoms." And at Beth Moore the whole concept of security in God is that we let go of ourselves.. Stop trying to live out of our own fears and start living with the truth that GOD gave us.. We can do all things with Christ!!! I need to believe that. God and I definitly need some time. Today is national prayer day, I'm in luck! *Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens” (Psalm 68:19). “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). That is exactly where I will go. And for any of you who read this and know I am in prayer for you.. please know that this is a good thing. Because yes I did pray, but know that now I have been set free from my weaknesses in just words and simple thoughts, but Christ who lives in me is in prayer for you all and I am on my way to finding the strength He has given me. LOVE to you all.
H
H
Friday, April 30, 2010
Searching
My walk with God has been more like a game of tag. There are times when God has been "it" and He is like ok Heather.. I'm getting really tired of chasing you then He tags me and I'm all.. wooo hooo I'm coming for you God! Where are you? God? Hello? Luckily in my efforts to tag Him, He has shown me that all along He was right there, dwelling within me. I was basically playing a game by myself. Probably looking a little silly to others. I was even told by my close friends that I was "Running". Well when someone speaks to me in riddle, of course I will try and solve it! So I set out on a search. Searching for something to believe in. Of course I ended up right back where I started. So here I am again. I feel as if I am starting over, but with a different outlook. A more focused, loving, balanced quest before me. I am not running, I am not frightened. I am relieved that God knows me, that He loves me and wants me to be in relationship with Him. I am excited every day to get to know Him more. What's ironic is that I pray for friends. Girl friends because I feel as if I need women, their softness, their beauty and motherly love, their sympathy and grace. Not only have I met a group of ladies (that are great and love the LORD ) at our Wednesday small group, but on Tuesday a large group of all women that seem super amazing as well. Then there is Jamie. We were meant to be friends. I know this, I haven't told her, but I bet she knows it too. She has a heart as big as Texas and I know we will add to the value of each others lives. You are probably going.. aww that's great Heather but where exactly is the irony? Well.. God has given me so much more than I deserve, yet in doing so.. He has created a passion in me to accept and discover Him as my friend, ( I bet He devised this little plan while I was "searching" ) He comforts me instead of the tub of ice cream, He listens when I am scared, weary, frustrated, embarrased, insecure or completely lost. His word paves the path my tired feet jump onto and run toward. How I got to this point where my thoughts are clear and my heart is happy.. once again.. friendship. God blessed me with a friend that I can never deny, that I will always revere as beautiful and sanctified, that finds me when I am lost, that gives me direction, that leads the way and that bluntly tells me to STOP and look. Her words cut, they bruise, they damage as they illuminate and destroy the lies the enemy surrounds me with. When she told me that she wants to dance with me in Heaven.. there was a picture of blameless, pure, joyful, harmonious and everlasting friendship that I know was sent from above. Dainelle knows my heart and resides there too. Jesus lives within her and within me. He used her to bring me closer to Him. Thank God! Thank her for being obedient. I never want to be far from Him, I never want to be without His peace which surpasses all understanding. I only want to glorify Him. No other is worthy! So seek and you shall find. Just make sure when you find, you embrace and never let go!
with love H
with love H
Saturday, March 6, 2010
upside down
When we are young it seems that the whole world is vastly unreachable and far too big to comprehend. I remember sitting at the top of our driveway and looking down to where the pond was. It's probably 100 yards but man back then it seemed like miles away. What about swinging? What a joy. Holding on tight and leaning as far back as possible and watching the world flip over and become bigger and smaller right in front of your face. You know..mayber that is why we experiment with mind altering substances, trying to relive the imagined world we used to know. It seems we grow up and forget all about the power of pretend. Now, if we are montarily fourtunate, we can visually stimulate ourselves with little effort of our own brains. The capabilities of some are filled to peak while others only bask in their creations. Trying hard now can be defined more by how long something takes as opposed to what labor was actually used to mold our inventions. As a younger mind and a smaller body we grasped the concept of creation, imagination and true joy than our current more advanced versions. Maybe a little more time spent in wonderland would be beneficial to the lives and time we freely turn our backs on.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
