Day 3

Day 3 went a little like this.. Woke up early, sat up in bed.. got scared.  I mean I couldn't close my eyes to pray, I could barely get up to turn on the light.  Couldn't shake the feeling so I ran.  I jumped in my car, went to the park and watched the ducks for a while.  I kept feeling this eerie presence around.. It could have been me.. who knows.  But all I know is it was with me all day.  At work, trying to concentrate, pray, read good scripture, email good friends.. guess what I did again? Ran.  To my car, took a half day of sick leave, drove down Navarro, past wal-mart and kept driving for about 25 minutes.  I had no idea where I was but I needed to go.  KSBJ kept me company and a few tears began to form in my eyes.  I get affected easily by music.  The weird thing is I have been so non-emotional for the last few weeks.  Nothing has made me sad, overly excited or has made me cry.  I feel good after a cry though.. Like I was cleansed. :)  So this song came on Hold my Heart.. oh boy.. That did it.  The lyrics went like this :

How long must I pray must I pray to You


How long must I wait must I wait for You

How long 'till I see Your face

See You shining through



I'm on my knees

Begging You to notice me

I'm on my knees

Father will You turn to me yeah?



One tear in the dropping rain

One voice in a sea of pain

Could the Maker of the stars

Hear the sound of my breaking heart?



One life is all I am

Right now I can barely stand

If You're everything You say You are

Would You come close and hold my heart?



I've been so afraid afraid to close my eyes

So much can slip away before I say goodbye

But if there's no other way

I'm done asking why


Talk about wow!! I am just bawling and worshipping driving 50 mph down the highway.. So for some weird reason I turn down this country road in the middle of nowhere.  Bright yellow flowers lined the sides as if they were beckoning my presence.  I drive slowly letting my eyes wander over the green and blues and yellows until I arrive at a dead end.  A red dirt road/ trail to the right and a paved road to the left.  Well .. right has always favored me.. I'll go right.  So I drive and drive and DRIVE.. bump, bump, scrreech .. but I barely notice because to the left and to the right, as far as the eye could see.. grassy hills, open fields home to grazing cattle.  Newly born calves skipping along and butterflies lazily jumping from one flower to the next.  I am a country girl.  I love the simplicity and complexity of nature.  God is so intricate.. I mean it's also apparent in us but I'm not so much a science/anatomy chick.  But looking at flowers and how every petal is shaped the same and yet every flower is different.  And trees which stand hundreds of feet tall and have branches bigger around than me and four friends.. but they were at one time only a seed.  WOW.  So that is what I needed.  A reminder of how beautiful life is and remove the ugly images that were being forced into my imagination.  I went home.  Ok I lie.  I went to Ross and bought a pretty tea pitcher.  Then I went home, helped John cook, ate dinner with him and went to visit Julie.  That was a much needed breather.  Just talking.  To a woman.  To someone who is wise, straightforward and can see the potential in me. So that night as we were going to bed, John and I took turns reading our bibles to each other.  Just random passages.. all different, but it was a great time together.  As I tried to sleep, horrible images and scary thoughts kept coming into my mind.  I simply repeated Jesus over and over, made John turn over and hold me and I just kept thinking good things.  I didn't back down and prayed and prayed until I was at rest.  I woke up today.. sat in the shower and actually closed my eyes for bout 30 seconds and know that it will continue to be easier.  I trust God, I just have to get in the habit of trusting Him.  :)  Habits are hard to break, and sometimes even harder to start.  Today will be a great day and I will rejoice in it.  He has overcome all things and I have many things ahead of me to look forward too. 

Love  H